The New York Times offers its take on work/life balance this week, explaining that many women who have moved up the ladder in the work force “find themselves still yearning for something men often have: wives.” Do you relate to this article? It mentions that Ms. Magazine wrote a similar piece in 1972. Is this old news to you?
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I have been saying “I need a wife” for YEARS…even when I WAS a wife. Its a very powerful paradigm that we play in. I find myself, as a professional, successful, very fully self expressed women, sometimes wanting to “take care” of certain men despite my desire to have an equal partner. I’ve trained myself NOT to follow my “take care of men” instinct, but, I often wonder if that suppression keeps me from finding another committed partner (and I don’t mean jail or an asylum) after my divorce four years ago. My ex-husband just married a woman he met three weeks after I left him. In our conversations during and throughout our very amicable divorce, it became clear to me that he did not want a change agent, hair-on-fire-make-things-happen-kind of woman (me). He just wanted a wife who would be, well, a wife. Someone who would be smart enough for good conversation but who would be – wifelike – I guess. Huh. I’ll tell you if I had a $100 for every man who I’ve dated or befriended who said to me “You’re too intimidating or You’re too much” – well, I might have a much nicer car.
I can definitely relate to this article. I also joke that I “need a wife,” but upon further reflection I’ve realized I really don’t mean it. What I really want is shift of cultural norms so that everyone (including me) doesn’t assume that because I’m the wife it’s automatically my job to manage the home and care for the kids AND that I’ll do it better than a man will. This shift is slowly happening and I’m beginning to feel I’m just out of the loop. This weekend I took my toddler on a playdate with a new family. After awhile, the mom and I had to step out to get lunch. We left the two little boys with the dad and when we returned he had fed them a snack, changed their diapers and engaged them in a great game – they were having a ball. I have to admit I was shocked the father had done all of this without any instructions from his wife and I discovered that my expectations for men in this department are way too low. So it’snot that I need a wife. I just need a partner who’s like THAT.
Oh, one more thing. I forwarded this article to my husband and after reading it his first question to me was: “So do you think lesbian women with wives at home have the same difficulty on the job?” Talk about missing the point?!!!! We have a long way to go, ladies…
There was a poem about this… I can’t remember the name or author. The poem is about all the things a wife does. It’s written by a woman. At the end of the poem she says “I want a wife!”.
Anyone remember reading that?
That poem I was thinking about was actually the article in Ms. magazine from 1972 they mention in the NY Times article.
It can be read here…
http://www.cwluherstory.com/CWLUArchive/wantawife.html
The Times article puts the label of wife as meaning someone at home taking care of things. Wife should be synonymous with spouse. But the article is using wife as synonymous with nanny and maid. It is not that Women don’t get ahead of men who have wives simply because a man has a wife and a woman (or most women) don’t. It’s because women are discriminated against because of their gender in all circumstances.
The article fails to discuss the possibility that men who have a wife at home may be promoted faster because they are viewed as more traditional and conservative. Qualities that companies generally reward.
Where the article quotes a woman as saying she would only trust a spouse with her childcare over hiring someone, it suggests that she would like her husband to take care of the kids. Or, it is suggesting – just like the article’s title – that she wants a wife. So what is the solution? Polygamy?
Individual and societal expectations pressure women as Wives. The women who they suggest want a wife in the article are women who are themselves wives. It isn’t a good job to have. Married couples should be partners. But a wife is never an equal partner.
And I think the last sentence is very telling… “we want a mommy”. Which also suggests someone who is like a maid and nanny. Any title that a woman has she will be pressured to do all the household chores and take care of the kids until we achieve equality.
This article is about changing society’s attitudes about women’s role in public and private life. Or, it could be about polygamy